IT SEEMS THAT READERS ACTUALLY WANT TO SIGN UP FOR A SUBSCRIPTION OF SORTS.

OK. cool.

Ranting

Ranting

I'm just talking shit. Shit talking mood over here today.

Ya know, people are some rude, nasty motherfuckers. I'm not talking about extreme shit like being a dick head in traffic or pissing on the toilet seat. I'm talking about the small shitty everyday rudeness.

Example? Well, I am glad you asked.

I don't know what the fuck it is, but here lately people have taken serious joy in calling me, either on the phone or on video, and making me sit there and try to fucking pick out snippets of conversation while they smack their nasty fucking maws.

Seriously!?! You couldn't eat before you fucking called me? Or waited until after you fucking  called me? Why the fuck do I have to sit here and look at you on a video call and watch you stuff your nasty fucking face with Goddamn meat and potatoes? Motherfucker, fuel your body, clean up your face, and then fucking make your phone calls. You would not walk into a business meeting with a goddamn Danish hanging out of your mouth. You wouldn't walk into church with a fucking sandwich.

And you know what else?  I don't do that to people. I do not eat on the phone or over video chat when I am talking to people. Because it is fucking rude.

It's the noises that really get to me. I'm assuming, it being 2019, you have at some point used a video calling application. Whether it is Google Duo, FaceTime, or Skype, you have sat in front of a camera and had a conversation with someone. have you noticed how every sound other than the voice of the person you're speaking to is intensified tenfold? Ambient noise Finds Its way into that pinhead-sized microphone and jumps out of your fucking speakers at you. So much so that at  times it is difficult to follow the conversation because of all of the shit going on in the background.

Now, with that recollection fresh in your mind,  imagine the ambient noise is disgusting fucking eating sounds. The moist sticky sound of sauced and tossed pasta being twirled around a fork. The muffled wet slosh of closed mouth chewing. The oily thud of a slurp and gulp. The sickening din of sour cream and butter being sloshed through overcooked baked potato.

Fucking mouth-breathing goddamn face-stuffing monsters!

People say that the camera adds 30 lb. That may be true. But eating on camera adds 90 fucking pounds. Wet, mucky, crunching, masticating over video chat has all of the softness and depth washed out by digital processing and is amplified for good measure! The high-pitched squeal of a fork scraping over a bowl. The rending tear of dull age-worn teeth ripping through crusty bread. 

Fuck! The sounds are just fucking unbearable. 

The visual is shit awful, but those sounds...game-changing. I mean that. Listening to someone eat through the phone or on video has the ability to completely alter the way I view that person. If you are the most attractive woman in my world, chew one bite of some pizza with an earbud microphone dangling by your mouth and watch my attention shift to the Swamp People marathon. Watch my eyes narrow and mouth twist slightly in revulsion. Hear my tone change and my sentences get short. Watch your “hot factor” decrease with every grinding sloppy, sloshy, saliva-filled chomp into that fucking food.

I put eating in the same category as bodily functions. It's something that everyone needs to do, but I don't need to watch you do it over fucking video. As a matter of fact, I’ll elaborate further, and make this really easy.  Think about all of the things that you would not dare do while on video with someone. Okay, add eating to that list. It's just as simple as that. You probably wouldn't sit down on the toilet and take a fucking steamy growler in front of someone on video, would you? No. Because that would be over the fucking top. Same thing here. There's no difference. Normal, rational, sophisticated people with a sense of decorum do not want to watch the food go in or come out of you on video chat.

For Fuck’s Sake Stop!

Now, that's not to say that eating in social settings is bad. It's not. Eating socially is a wonderful thing. A great way for people to connect. A great way to navigate conversation with a new person. All I'm saying is don't fucking do it on Skype. It is unforgivable.

That is really all I have.

Some things of note that happened on television or around me while I was typing this.

Tom Brokaw is on TV and  looks fucking old.

Some dude walked by my hotel room window and yelled “dirty Jew.” I am not sure if he was talking to me or not, but 1/64th of me is terribly offended.

Watching children accidentally kick dad in the balls on America’s Funniest Home Videos will always be funny.

And wait! Now, I understand I'm relatively new to this blogging thing. But I will be damned if I can find a Blog to read that is not about someone's kids, their makeup, or blogging. What the fuck is with blog writers writing blogs about blogging.

Tips and tricks to drive clicks on your site.

How to create topics from everyday life.

How to blog when there's nothing to blog about.

Blogging 101.

Blogging on Ice.

Microwave blogging.

Everything blogging in 15 minutes or less.

Blogging while your Brita does it's filtering.

I don't know that there's anything wrong with it. If you are writing a successful blog about blogging, then good for you.

But it's kind of like attending a meeting that is focused on tips and tricks for having a meeting. It's kind of like learning how to repair your television so you can watch a video about how to repair televisions.

I don’t get it. But, admittedly I am not overly serious about this. I am new and learning, and perhaps one day I will be tempted to write a blog post about blogging...but I seriously doubt it.


Some real anger in this one. I shouldn't post it...but fuck it.

Twice Baked Awesomeness Muthafukkah!!!!

Twice Baked Awesomeness Muthafukkah!!!!

Chicken Adobo

Chicken Adobo