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Twice Baked Awesomeness Muthafukkah!!!!

Twice Baked Awesomeness Muthafukkah!!!!

Fuckin side dishes get no love!! Everyone wants to know how to make the sexy-ass braised pork chop only to open a fucking can of corn and tell the table to go fuck themselves.

I, as you can see, clearly disagree. I have been known to go to restaurants solely for the side dishes. Example? Cracker Barrel. Nobody gives a fuck about their ratty-ass eggs! They are there for the hashbrown casserole.

So, I thought I would devote a post to a side dish.

Twice baked potatoes...who the  fuck do we think we are?  Twice baked potatoes...in my mind one of the most decadent items ever invented. It is right up there with fried Oreo and cheesecake.

When one reads the history of Rome there is mention of week long feasts. Here these fucking people would eat and drink and eat and drink and eat and drink until as full as a fucking tick. Then, so as not to be bothered with things like discomfort from over indulgence...they had vomitoriums. These motherfuckers would go into this room and yack into a hole in the floor or into crockery so they could continue eating and drinking and eating and drinking.

That's the way we are heading and twice baked potatoes are gonna take us there.

But they are over-the-top delicious...

I have noticed in my travels that twice baked potatoes seem to be a Midwest thing. I have several friends from New York who have never heard of them. As well as a couple of guys from Washington state. However, once you experience the glory and pure unadulterated sexness that is the twice baked potato...there is no going back.

The recipe is a difficult one to transcribe because this is a dish that requires you to adjust the flavors to your...and your guest's...palette. Potatoes are not uniform. Some absorb...and therefore require more seasoning than others. So, I will give you approximates and you are gonna be on your own to fine tune.

For 16 portions.

8 large potatoes. The baking potatoes...not those little shits in the bag.
Olive oil
Kosher salt
1 lb Bacon
1 onion
1 bunch green onions
1 bt. Ranch dressing
1 small tub sour cream
Cayenne pepper powder (optional)
1 stick butter
Milk
1 head of garlic
Shredded Cheddar cheese.

Wash the potatoes...like scrub them. Scrub the shit out of them because people eat the peels. I don't know why...but they do.

Place potatoes in large bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and hit them with about 1T kosher salt. Toss them until all surfaces of potatoes are covered with oil and salt.

We are also gonna get the garlic going at this point. When looking at the head of garlic, look for the end that kinda half-assed comes to a point. Take your chef's knife and chop the top 1/3 off of the head. Take the bottom 2/3 and place on a cookie sheet. Drizzle with olive oil and kosher salt. Hit with a little pepper. Put in oven. About 20-25 min. Or until the individual cloves of garlic start getting really brown, some might even start popping out.

Remove from oven and, with a fork, carefully extract the cloves from the papery shit. Put the cloves in a bowl and smash them with a fork. They should be easy to smash and make into a chunky paste.

Wrap potatoes in aluminum foil. Bake until done at 350 degrees.

When done set aside and let them rest for 15 minutes or so.

While potatoes are resting, do a small dice on the onions. Small dice...just chop the piss out of them. Small as fuck. These are going in the potatoes so you want them small. I like to sautee my onions a little in olive oil. Lay out Bacon strips on sheet pan and bake until almost burned. Soggy Bacon is an abomination...and when I am elected emperor I will outlaw it.  Upon taking the oath of office it will be an immediate and violent death for all soggy Bacon lovers.
Medium rare steak...OK.
Medium rare Bacon...you degenerates will be held accountable for your perverse beliefs.

When Bacon is done crumble into bowl with onions and set aside.

Unwrap your potatoes and split them longways. Crown to crotch. With a spoon remove potatoey goodness out of shell being careful not to break the shell. After all of the potato..ummm...innards (for lack of a better term) have been collected in a bowl it is time to mash them. I prefer using beaters but the old school masher is good too. Add butter and smash em. 

Here's where your taste buds come in...start adding sour cream. Ranch. Bacon. Onions. Garlic. Salt. Pepper. Milk. Until you have the taste and consistency you want. I like my shit quite garlicky.

Some people can't handle garlic like that...ahem, pussies.

When the taste is right and the consistency is that of thick mashed potatoes, spoon mixture back into potato skins liberally. Arrange on sheet pan. Sprinkle cheese on each potato and bake again long enough for the cheese to get good and melted.

Top with sliced green onions and serve...that is one of the sexiest side dishes ever.


What Happened To Food Network!?!

What Happened To Food Network!?!

Ranting

Ranting